Matthew Callum Henderson

Mattie was 16 weeks old when he died. He was perfectually healthy as far as we knew. He sudenly started being forcefully sick on the 4th of feb 03. Being a concerned and loving mother I took him to our local hospital (Barnet General). Whilst I was there I phoned Matties dad who was away with the Army.He came straight home. Whilst we were at the hospital 2 Doctors took a look at him, they both told us that he was fine,and all that was wrong with him was he had a stomache bug!. We were happy to accept this and we took Mattie home.
We put Mattie to bed at his normal time, 8pm on the 4th feb 2003.

Mattie\'s dad and I woke up at 8:10am on the 5th feb 2003.
We thought \"hey Matties slept through finally\". It wasn\'t untill Matties dad got up to check on him that we realised some thing serious had gone wrong. Matties dad shouted at me to phone an ambulance as Mattie wasn\'t breathing. The operator instructed Matties dad on how to do CPR. The 1st response unit came after what seemed like a lifetime. The image of the paramedic carrying you\'r tiny lifeless body the down the stairs still haunts my dreams to this day.

The paramedic\'s tryed to bring you back in the ambulance, they put a tiny oxegen mask over your face and tryed to start your heart. I just knew you were gone, but I couldnt bring myself to beleve it.When we arrived at the AnE department at Barnet General the resus staff worked on your body for 45 mins, Me and your dad were took to a little private room to wait for what seemed like forever. Finally after 45 mins a nurse came to see us.
They said how they\'d tryed to resusate you but you\'d been gone for a while and they couldnt bring you back. I felt like someone had kicked me full pelt in the stomache.

We went to see you, and I held your tiny body close to me whilst the vicor blessed you. I remember humming \"Amazing Grace\" to you whilst all this was going on.


We later found out that you died of a twisted bowel, which should of been picked up and treated the day I took you to hospital.


At your funeral on the 12th feb 2003, I asked every one to wear bright clothes. I wore white. We had white cars to take us to the church.
We got a family friend to lead the cars out of the Army estate where we lived. He played a beautiful song on the bagpipes.
The service was so surreal. Seeing your tiny baby blue coffin being carried down the ilse nearly killed me. Looking back now I really dont know how I got through the day.

Its been 4 years now and it still hurts as much as it ever did. I went to visit your grave for the 1st time since I moved away. I had to move ,I couldn\'t cope with still living in the house in whitch you died. I feel so guilty not being able to vivit you as and when I want. I think of you every day, some times you are all I think of.

You have 2 little brothers and a little sister now, Bradlee he is 3. I had told him all about you and when he is abit older I will bring to visit you.I\'ve told him that when he feels sad to look up into the night sky at the brightest star shineing down, thats his big brother Mattie coming to see if hes ok and to let him know that he will always look after him. Then there is Mason James Matthew, hes 9 months old and he is the spitting image of you. Your little sister is called Lara, I dont know much about her as me and Your dad are no longer together. But I have no doubt in my mind that your da and his girlfriend will tell her all about you when shes older, You will have another little brother or sister soon too.

We all miss you so much and I would give anything to be able to hold you one last time, to smell your hair, to touch your soft silky skin, to hear you cry. It hurts me so deeply to know that I will never ever get that chance again, but we will be together again one day sweety pie, and untill that day I hope you are free from all the pain you went through, and I hope you are being well looked after by Grandad clough and uncle Matthew.

I love you so much, my brave little \"cheeky boy\" all my love now and for always you mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


A POEM FROM HEAVEN


These are my footprints
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
For other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,
In the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel\'s tears,
Of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,
In each butterflies\' lazy dance.
I\'ll let you know I\'m with you
if you just give me a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind
and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints
Are found on mummy\'s heart.
\'Cause even though I\'m gone now
we’ll never truly part



\"TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR,
HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE,
UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH,
LIKE A DIMOND IN THE SKY,
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR.\"




MATTHEW CALLUM HENDERSON

A TINY FLOWER LENT NOT GIVEN,
TO BUD ON EARTH,
AND BLOOM IN HEAVEN,
TO STAY IN OUR HEARTS,
NOW AND FOR EVER,

ALL OUR LOVE OUR BRAVE LiTTLE PRINCE

LOVE MUMMY AND IAN
BRADLEE, MASON XXXX


Its mothers day 2007, I miss you even more today. I have been thinking of you all day. Its so hard some times to get through the days without you being here with me. I really miss you so much it hurts so badly. I just wish I could come and visit your grave more often than I do, but living so far away from you its just not possible to do it. It makes me feel like a really bad mum to you, it must seem like I dont care because I moved away. But thats not the case at all, I had to move away as I dont think I could of went on living in the house in whitch you died, it would of torn me apart. I just hope you can forgive both me and your daddy for not being able to do anything to help you on the day you left us. I hope that you are free from all the pain and suffering you endured when you were taken from us. You are all ways in my thoughts from the moment I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. I really wish that I could see you one last time. I want to sing you your song, Amazing Grace. I used to sing it to you when you were tiny and you wee screaming. It always made you stop crying. It felt so good to be able to help you and to feel the love that you had for me also.

I dont think I could get through each day if it wasn\'t for the love and suport I get from Ian.

Its nearly easter, ive just bought Mj and Brad their eggs, ive bought you a special little teddy.


19th march 07.

hiya sweet heart,
your little brother wanted me to \"tell\" you that he goes to nursary now, he started on monday and he loves it, he\'s made you some pictures and I will post it on here when I get time. Sleep tight baby cake\'s love you always and for ever xxxxxx mummy, Ian bradlee and mason xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


5TH July 2007,
Its your little brother Masons 1st birthday today. we are having a party for him, It\'s such a shame that you are not here to share in the happiness with us all but you will be in everyones heart.



HI little one, gosh it\'s almost your 5th birthday. I can\'t belive how long it has been since you left us, it still seems like yesterday!.
I miss you more and more each day. I have just added another poem on here for you, I think it sum\'s up everything I feel at the moment.
I am planning on coming down to your grave again on or around your birthday, to bring you some stuff, We maybe bringing Bradlee and Mason aswel.
lot\'s of love mummy xxxxxxxx


18th Sept 07,

Hi beautiful, hope you are behaving for grandad and uncle Matthew!?. Mummy misses you lots. We have just bought Bradlee and Mason a baby cat, he is lovly. Its such a shame that you will never get to play with them aswel. Your nannie misses you loads too, we all do, but we will get to see you again eventually, untill then I will just have to come on here to talk and see you.
All my love always and forever Mummy xxxx


4th October 2007,

Hi baby, it\'s mummy again. Just thought I would pop by and say hi. Its your birthday soon and I am feeling a little more optimistic about it this year. I have such a big suport group around me, what with Ian and your nannie, I am finally feeling like your birthday is something to look forward to and not something to fear or run away from. I love you and I know that you know that, but I am now finally acsepting that nomatter how much I do love you it will never bring you back, and no matter how much I long to see you and hold you again I know that time is not destined to come for years, I have been sent my boys Bradlee and Mason from above to care for and to love, my time on this earth is not ready to be over just yet!, I will see you again just not in the near future.
I love you now and for ever my beautiful baby boy.
love

Mummy xxx (ps. I got this poem done for you, I have it framed on the wall, hope you like it and share it with Uncle Matty and Grandad Clough, as I miss them both so much! xx)

If Tears Could Build A Stair Way

If tears could build a stair way.
And memories were a lane.
We would walk right up to heaven.
And bring you back again.
No farewell words were spoken.
No time to say goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it.
And only god knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness.
And secret tears will flow.
What it means to lose you.
No one will ever know.
But know we know you want us.
To mourn for you no more.
To remember all the happy times.
Life still has much in store.
Since you\'ll never be forgotten.
We pledge to you today.
A hallowed place within our hearts.
Is where you\'ll always stay.

Love always mummy, ian and boys xxxx


6 october 2007,

hiya little one, just mummy again. Hope you are being good!.
It\'s your birthday soon and I have arranged a family meal, I wanted to mark your 5th birthday with some thing special. So we are going out for a meal, and I will of corse buy you a teddy bear as always, I will have to get some shelfs built in the bedroom to hold them all ha ha. Your brother Bradlee also wants to choose some thing special for you, I can just see the both of you together, getting in to trouble!!, no one belives that he is only 3, he is so livly and his talking is fantastic. He always asks about his \'baby matthew\', I have told him as much as I can for his age. He has started to carry around the \'peter rabbit\' books that we bought for you to grow into, he loves it that they were his baby matthews books, bless him!.
I will tell Mason all about you also when he is old enough to understand. He is only 15 months old at the moment and he dosent really understand much except NO! ha ha, it was his first word. Bradlee is loving nursary school, he paints about 15 pix every day! lol. I do keep meaning to put them on here but never have the chance to do it. Its weird thinking that with Bradlee in nursary you would of been in year 1, same as your aunty sofie, wow! thats so strange..

anyway must go for now sweety pie, all my love now and for ever,
mummy, ian and boys xxx and Princess the kitten x


20/10/2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Oh my good ness I really cant belive that it is your 5th birthday!, it\'s so strange because we never got to celebrate your 1st birthday, so to me you will always be a baby. Trying to think of you as a 5 year old is really hard. The last time we were together you were just 16 weeks old, so you would have changed so much had you still been with us.
I just have to look at your aunty Sofie to see what type of things you would be doing, she is also 5. You would of been in full time school by now, and probably a little monkey too ha.
We bought you a birthdy card for your birthday, it is a lion king one. it has a big number 5 on it.
Bradlee wants me to say happy birthday from him and mason x
hope you have a good day with grandad and uncle matthew, love you always xx Mummy xx

24th October 2007

Hi sweetie its mummy again, we just wanted to share the good news with you, mummy is going to have a baby, we are all so happy and excited.
miss you loads and love you more mummy xxxxxx

18th jan 08

Hi sweety pie, love you and miss you, we went for the scan and we are having another boy, we are calling him Benjamin.
love you always xxxxx

26th June 2008.

Hiya sweety pie. Mummy has had the new baby today. We have called him Benjamin Ian Sneap. It's strange to have a baby in the house after 2 years!. I am very nervous with him tho. I have to check hes ok through the night almost every hour. I dont know what I would do I f I ever lost him aswell.
Love you always, and miss you like crazy. I now know that uncle Matthew and Grandad Clough are looking after you and you are having a good time. I have listened to what you said at the spritual reading I went too and I am working out it!, you know what I mean. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx